Seinfeld Stories

This post is XXX Adults Only!

Our friend was writing an article about slash-fiction, so we wrote him this Seinfeld parody. Feel free to close the drapes and turn on some mood music.

Jerry: What’s the deal with female ejaculation?
Elaine: I don’t know. I’ve never “drained the lady vein,” if you know what I mean. Have you ever turned a woman into Ol’ Faithful?
Jerry: Unfortunately, no. I mean, there’s been splashing — maybe wading — but never enough to necessitate a clean-up sponge.
**Kramer bursts through the door**
Kramer: I am addicted to Oragel!
Jerry: What? That stuff you put in your mouth for a toothache?
Kramer: Not just the mouth, buddy. Anywhere you want to tingle. Anywhere… sensitive. **raises eyebrows**
Elaine: Have you ever put it on a woman’s… **gestures**
Kramer: Oh, yeah! She turned into a garden sprinkler! Peeled back my wallpaper!
Elaine: That’s what we were just…That’s it! K-Man, it’s your lucky day. Make me a Super-soaker!
Jerry: I’ve gotta see this.
Kramer: Giddy up!
**Elaine strips. Kramer drenches Elaine’s vulva-lips with Orajel; then, he pounds his rock hard pole into the secret cave**
Jerry: What’s the deal with double penetration?
**Kramer nods. Jerry and Kramer take turns with each of Elaine’s holes, rotating her at a steady rate. The two men fondle each other’s loins with their hands and teeth**

**Newman enters**
Newman: Can I join?
Elaine: No, but you may watch.
**Newman masturbates furiously as the gang ascends into a glorious mutual climax. George enters. At the exact moment, Elaine erupts her lady-cum**
George: Why is everyone naked? Why is Elaine’s beautiful chestnut hair drenched in lady-cum? Did you guys have a gangbang? And I missed it? Great! I missed the orgy! I stop for gum, and I miss my life’s only chance at group sex.
Elaine: **naked, sweaty and panting** Got any gum?

Dave: I’ve been meaning to do this since October. These are mash-ups of horror movies and Seinfeld characters. Here is the annotated version.

• The gang is isolated in Antarctica. An alien life form can copy any human body perfectly. Soon, paranoia drives them apart. No one survives. The Thing
• Kramer gets into taxidermy. Elaine steals money from Mr. Pitt. When she hides at Kramer’s apartment, he stabs her to death in the shower. Psycho
• Elaine babysits a little boy. Soon, a maniac starts stabbing everyone who’s had sex. Since Elaine has had sex, she is stabbed. Halloween
• A baby falls out a window. Elaine and Jerry take a trip upstate. After talking to a fox, Elaine crushes Jerry’s testicles with a grindstone. Antichrist
• An airplane falls on George’s apartment. When he miraculously survives, he needs to discover the truth about time. Donnie Darko
• A grumpy janitor won’t hold the door, so the Gang burns him alive. He haunts their dreams with garden tools and witty quips. Nightmare on Elm Street
• When goblins turn Jerry into vegetables and eat him, George’s reaction is over the top. “New York is Kroywen spelled backwards!” Troll 2
• Elaine goes to the woods to write a novel. Rednecks rape her and leave her to die. She lives and gets revenge with copious castrations. I Spit On Your Grave
• Jerry breaks his leg. He gets a telescope and thinks he sees a murder. He’s wrong, but his neighbor’s reputation is ruined forever. Rear Window
• Elaine dares the gang to spend the night in a creepy carnival. After a deformed carney child kills her and Jerry, Newman saves the day. The Funhouse
• George drowns while swimming in at summer camp. Estelle kills the counselors while they screw each other and get high. Friday the 13th

My friend Dave wanted to read this in the right order. I realized other people might want that too.

• Alan, a New York Times investigative journalist, hears about a strange holiday celebrated in Queens. Frank Costanza gets a phone call.
• Alan offers to write a story about Festivus; Frank agrees, hoping to “usurp Christmas consumerism.” George researches legal name changing.
• The story is a smashing success. Kramer proclaims, “I’m the rest of us!” Elaine and Jerry talk about nogs other than egg, “Non-Egg Nogs.”
• Kramer writes a pro-Festivus pamphlet; Bania does a bit about Christmas consumerism. Al Roker mentions #Festivus on the Today Show.
• In Central Park, Frank preaches for “Strong and stingy Fathered Families” People all over the city renounce non-Festivus traditions.
• George is paralyzed with anxiety after being forced to remember so many repressed childhood traumas at once. Jerry remembers to hate Bania.
• Mayor Gulianai worries about New York’s economy without the holiday spending surge. Coca Cola, Halmark, and Big Wrapping Paper are furious
• Kramer records Frank’s every word and transcribes it with a quill.. Elaine goes to a Festivus party, gets drunk, and does a silly dance.
• The Mayor thinks of a solution—appeal to the America’s most ruthless consumers: Children. Big Business makes a new toy, “Festivus Guy!”
• New York children nag their parents to buy #Festivus Guy. Their parents quickly return to old consumerist ways like mindless cows.
• “@Walmart Official! Festivus Father Fighting Mats!” “@KMartEXCLUSIVE Grievance Air-Freshener” “@Target Brand, Fancy Spaghetti!”
• Some call Frank a prophet; others, a heretic. Frank becomes a hermit after realizing the impending irony. Kramer bakes gingerbread folks.
• Frank plans an “authentically traditional” Festivus dinner to reclaim the holiday. George is a mess. Jerry and Elaine go for chuckles.
• On TV, the gang sees The Mayor demolish the Christmas tree and erect a giant metal pole in Rockfeller Plaza. Everyone cheers except Frank
• Airing of Grievances reveals George went through hundreds of socks because of “wiped secretions.” A blood vessel pops in George’s eye.
• Presumably Biblical lighting strikes the giant pole; it falls down and kills a bunch of ice-skaters. Everybody sees. Festivus is ruined.
• Amongst the chaos, George explodes in a Feat of Strength and pins his father to the floor. The house shakes. “It’s finished!” he screams.
• Frank sits alone in the attic, “It wasn’t supposed to end like this!” Estelle hears his sobs and hugs him. Black screen, no credit music.

Jerry’s girlfriend’s family demands guests leave their shoes outside. They also insist on absolute silence during the football game.

The Costanzas show up late because they were stuck behind the Macy’s parade. Frank: “Thousands of foreigners screaming at cartoon balloons!”

George is forced into The Annual Ross Family Touch-Football Showdown; his ill-tempered juke sends a club-footed cousin to the hospital.

J. Peterman calls Elaine to say he’s spending the holiday in Turkey where he, “was accosted at the bazaar whilst trying to find a slab of bacon.”

Per tradition, Kramer rents a tuxedo and volunteers at the soup kitchen. Kramer: “Everybody deserves at least one fancy meal a year!”

Jerry notices all the food tastes funny. The mashed potatoes are bumpy, the butter-nut squash is runny and the turkey is oddly moist.

His girlfriend explains the food was cooked throughout November and is re-heated for the feast. Jerry: “That’s just fancy leftovers!”

Estelle throws a fit after being served ham, “This is a turkey holiday!” Frank refuses to eat stuffing that wasn’t cooked inside a turkey. 

Puddy reveals he’s an avid fan of bullfighting and, much to her chagrin, Elaine’s father immediately accepts him to the “Royal Circle”

Frank finds his coat is missing a button; he blames the cat and tries to give it the Heimlich Maneuver. George sees this as a cue to leave.

Jerry breaks up with his girlfriend and takes a cab to @WhiteCastle (one of the few restaurants open on Thanksgiving).

A Dialogue Inspired by: “Jerry and George talk and play catch.”

Jerry: When did man start playing catch? And what did they use? Rock? Bone? *Jerry throws the baseball*

George: *catch* Too sharp; can’t catch those without a glove. *throw*

Jerry: *catch* How do you know cavemen didn’t have some type of primitive glove? Mastodon hide, perhaps? *throw*

George: *catch* The real question is, why do they call it Catch? Why not Throw? The throw is very important: it’s fifty percent of the game. *throw*

Jerry: *catch* Sure, but the catch is so nuanced: the true meat of the game. It takes a human with eye hand coordination, clothing, and communication to catch. You always hear about how great monkeys throw, but do they catch? Sure, what they toss breaks upon impact—but that only further proves my point! *throw*

George: *catch* Still gotta throw. There’s nothing to catch without the throw. I bet other cultures call it Throw. I bet Catch is a western thing.

Jerry: I don’t know; maybe. English certainly has a lot of “catch phrases.” “What’s the catch?,” “Catch-22,” “Catch as catch can”

George: “Catch as catch can” is great. Three hard C’s, kind of a tongue twister. Plus, you can say it for pretty much anything. Good news, bad news: “Well, catch as catch can!” What’s it mean even? *throw*

Jerry: *catch* I think it used to be a technical wrestling term. *throw*

George: *catch* I always thought it was sexual.

Jerry: Of course you did.

George: Are there any phrases with throw? 

Jerry: Throw? Nah. Throw always needs a preposition. “Throw away” “Throw for a something,” “Throw down.” Throw has is multiple meanings, but no idioms; further proving that catch is superior, and a more important aspect to the game. Are we still playing?

George: Sorry, I got distracted by a big idiom. The only way to win this argument is through practical demonstration! **George throws the ball as hard as he can into the street.**