Seinfeld Stories

SUMMARY: Elaine and Puddy go to the Harlem Zoo. Jerry’s barber dies. Kramer meets an eccentric taxidermist. George steals a box of Yankee corndogs.

• George finds a case of Yankee corndogs sitting on his desk. After a shoulder shrug, he decides “What the hell,” and eats one.

• Elaine fondly recalls memories of her and her father in front of the Harlem Zoo fountain; she demands Puddy take her on a daytime date.

• Jerry gets a collect call from Italy: “My uncle Enzo, your barber, is dead!” While buying sawdust, Kramer meets an eccentric taxidermist

• George realizes corndogs are the perfect on-the-go food. Kramer and the taxidermist strike a deal; Kramer starts hunting rare pigeons.

• At Monks, the guys consider if barbering is a legitimate art form. Puddy doesn’t want to go to the zoo because, “It’s for the nerds.”

• Kramer lures a Silverwing Pidgeon into his bag with crackers; he names it Gideon. George starts selling corndogs as “The Corndogger!”

• Puddy sulks at the zoo even after the dolphin show; Elaine buys him a snowcone. George tips a valet with a corndog and receives VIP parking.

• Jerry tries three barbers: the first fails because he uses buzzers instead of scissors; the second doesn’t heat the foam; the third is bald. 

• Puddy shrieks with joy after seeing two zebras “Doin’ it!”; a bird poops on Elaine’s shoulder. George gives a cop a corndog to beat a jaywalking ticket.

• At the Taxidermist’s penthouse, Kramer learns of the intention to kill and stuff Gideon. Kramer grabs his pigeon and makes a daring escape.

• On his balcony, the Taxidermist calls out to the city: “The Most Dangerous Game begins!” Thunder booms; lightning strikes.

• Puddy’s in love with the zoo: he laughs at lions, gets creeped out by bats, and sheds a tear at the peacock’s beauty; Elaine is annoyed.

• Jerry hears about a great barber in Harlem; George wants more customers; Kramer needs a place to hide: the three carpool to the Zoo!

• Elaine and Puddy take a picture at the fountain; a malfunctions leaves Elaine soaking wet. Children start taunting her as “The Swamp Hag”

• Jerry decides to hang out. George peddles his corndogs. Suddenly, Kramer sees the Taxidermist: a climatic chase ensues.

• Puddy’s psyched to see the turtles; his excitement makes him trip over the fence. Elaine: “Quick! Someone help! He could get salmonella!”

• Before George can use corndog clout to seal the deal with a model, the Taxidermist knocks into George, ejecting the corndogs into her face.

• George laments, “My dogs! My fame! My livelihood!” The Taxidermist traps Kramer in a heavy net. 

• A stranger with a smock and an Afro cuts the net with silver scissors, whacks the turtles, and disenfects Puddy with barbicide.

• Jerry: “You must a barber!?” The Afroed Stranger: “No man, I’m an artist.” Jerry: “Well friend, my hair is your canvas.”

• Elaine vows never go to the Zoo again; Puddy buys a lifetime pass. The Taxidermist is arrested and stuffed into a squadcar; Kramer frees Gideon.

• Wilhelm: “George, did you deliver those corndogs to the children’s hospital?” George: “What corndogs?” Wilhelm: “The ones I put on your desk.”

• Kramer sells his portrait to a stock photo company; Elaine sets Jerry up with her co-worker Molly; George finds the perfect dive bar.


• Kramer suspects “Egg-Heads” are stalking him; Jerry won’t ride bumper cars with Molly on their date to Coney Island; George buys a bandana.


• A nebish man corners Kramer and gets his autograph for a specific dictionary page; Molly dumps Jerry, deciding he’s “too safe.”


• Elaine takes Molly to the dive bar; Kramer realizes his portrait is next to “aberrant” in the dictionary; Jerry rents a motorcycle.


• Kramer escapes the nerds in a bar where he runs into George.  George gives Kramer his bandana claiming that he isn’t a “Bandana-man.”


• Jerry scuffles with “Motorcycle Toughs” on his way to the bar; Kramer keeps Molly company in Jerry’s absence.


• Molly: “There’s something unusual and extraordinary about you.” Kramer: “I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘aberrant’.”

• George and Jerry remember a Greek joint they ate at in high school. It’s under new management. The pair drive 45 minutes to try it.


• Jerry orders falafel; George, gyro. Both reminiscent about a waitress who, as the story went, “Had the beauty of Aphrodite herself.”


• George remembers he was the only guy in school to take her on a date. Jerry remembers the “date” was just a ride to the airport.


• The pair realize they can’t remember the waitress’ name. Jerry wonders happened to her. “Funky” blue cheese sends George to the bathroom.


• In the stall, George sees deeply etched graffiti urging him to call a number “for a good time”; the number seems eerily familiar.


• After watching an episode of Jeopardy, Jerry remembers the waitress’ name was Alex. George obsesses over the mystery number.


• The pair go back to the joint. George learns the number’s disconnected. Jerry asks the new owners about Alex; strangely, they’re cousins.


• The owner explains Alex moved back to Greece after a “small, angry Jew” ruined her reputation. George realizes he’s the Jew.


• George confesses that he carved the number. Alex wouldn’t kiss him; she laughed in his face and called him a “crooked nose vermin”


• The owner kicks them both out. Jerry asks why he never cleaned the wall. “I leave it up to remember my seething hatred for the Jew!”


• Jerry remembers this is exactly why the two of them stopped eating at the Greek joint in the first place. The pair go to Monk’s.
  
  

• There’s construction in front of Jerry’s building. Kramer makes fast friends with the workers and invites them to midnight poker games.


• A homeless man calls George a liar because of his “audible change.” Elaine shoots a paper ball at work; she misses.


• A grumpy, sleep deprived worker scolds Jerry after he trips over a bucket. George promises to “never jingle again”, buys a change jar


• Kramer’s late parties cause dust storms in the hallway and Jerry’s asthmatic girlfriend can’t breath. Elaine shoots again, misses.


• Jerry hates that his girlfriend’s roommate always watches John Wayne movies. “She watched Chism twice! I can’t keep up with Red Buttons!


• Jerry nags Kramer about the noise, parties and dust. The workers cat-call “That’ll be the day!” Elaine shoots third time, misses.


• On his way to lunch with Steinbrenner, George stops at Jerry’s; a sleepy worker dumps a dirt pile on him. Elaine tries a jump shot, misses.


• Jerry and his girlfriend walk past the workers; they viciously pantomime using an inhaler, and shout out asthmatic epithets.


• George rushes home to get new clothes, but he has no change for the meter. He proceeds to beg pedestrians without luck.


• Elaine finally sinks the basket. J. Peterman catches her celebration dance. He says, “I see you saw my article on Office Origami. Keep up the good work.”


• Jerry confronts the workers in a drawl: “Since you haven’t learned to respect your elders, it’s time you learned to respect your betters.”


• On the street, George screams: “I hear you jingling! You cannot hide, I was once one of you but I’ve changed! I’ve changed!”


• Epilogue: **Laying in bed** Girlfriend: “I still can’t believe you today.” Jerry: “Out here, a man settles his own problems.”

• The gang visits historic Philadelphia for July 4. After disrespecting the name of Declaration signer Button Gwinnet, they’re thrust back to 1776.


• Kramer becomes an apprentice to an anti-Royalist printing press; George finds he can attract women by pretending to be Ben Franklin.


• Jerry tells Sam Adams a beer joke and lands a job performing for Continental Congress; Elaine is forced to prepare food for the event.


• George flirts with the Governor’s wife by reading her the almanac; Kramer publishes an anti-Royalist essay titled “There Is No ‘I’ In King!”


• Elaine struggles to cook for Congress and tries to organize a strike in the name of women’s rights. She is promptly accused of witchcraft.


• The Governor finds George with his wife and humiliatingly reveals he is not Ben Franklin; British troops destroy Kramer’s printing press.


• Jerry rubs elbows with the Founding Fathers who say he’s “Full of wit and gaiety!”; Elaine is found guilty of carrying the Devil’s seed.


• Kramer and George steal fireworks in conspiracy to burn down the Governor’s mansion; Elaine is set to burn at the stake; Jerry’s act kills.


• The fireworks are magic. The gang is swept back to NYC, Elaine barely lives, and Jerry misses his opportunity to sign the Declaration.

This was the first “episode” we ever wrote.

• George fails his driving test because he couldn’t stop reading the signatures on his instructors cast. Jerry dates a Mormon.


• George gets his boyhood bike from his parents; Frank tries to teach him to ride while Estelle worries about the “dangerous” NYC streets.


• George cuts off a horse-cop on his bike: a low-speed chase occurs. Kramer chokes on a gummy bear.


• Teenagers mock George’s bike so he gets his dad to drive him to work. Jerry dumps The Mormon because he misses soda; Kramer’s okay.