My friend Dave wanted to read this in the right order. I realized other people might want that too.
- Alan, a New York Times investigative journalist, hears about a strange holiday celebrated in Queens. Frank Costanza gets a phone call.
- Alan offers to write a story about Festivus; Frank agrees, hoping to “usurp Christmas consumerism.” George researches legal name changing.
- The story is a smashing success. Kramer proclaims, “I’m the rest of us!” Elaine and Jerry talk about nogs other than egg, “Non-Egg Nogs.”
- Kramer writes a pro-Festivus pamphlet; Bania does a bit about Christmas consumerism. Al Roker mentions #Festivus on the Today Show.
- In Central Park, Frank preaches for “Strong and stingy Fathered Families” People all over the city renounce non-Festivus traditions.
- George is paralyzed with anxiety after being forced to remember so many repressed childhood traumas at once. Jerry remembers to hate Bania.
- Mayor Gulianai worries about New York’s economy without the holiday spending surge. Coca Cola, Halmark, and Big Wrapping Paper are furious
- Kramer records Frank’s every word and transcribes it with a quill.. Elaine goes to a Festivus party, gets drunk, and does a silly dance.
- The Mayor thinks of a solution—appeal to the America’s most ruthless consumers: Children. Big Business makes a new toy, “Festivus Guy!”
- New York children nag their parents to buy #Festivus Guy. Their parents quickly return to old consumerist ways like mindless cows.
- “@Walmart Official! Festivus Father Fighting Mats!” “@KMartEXCLUSIVE Grievance Air-Freshener” “@Target Brand, Fancy Spaghetti!”
- Some call Frank a prophet; others, a heretic. Frank becomes a hermit after realizing the impending irony. Kramer bakes gingerbread folks.
- Frank plans an “authentically traditional” Festivus dinner to reclaim the holiday. George is a mess. Jerry and Elaine go for chuckles.
- On TV, the gang sees The Mayor demolish the Christmas tree and erect a giant metal pole in Rockfeller Plaza. Everyone cheers except Frank
- Airing of Grievances reveals George went through hundreds of socks because of “wiped secretions.” A blood vessel pops in George’s eye.
- Presumably Biblical lighting strikes the giant pole; it falls down and kills a bunch of ice-skaters. Everybody sees. Festivus is ruined.
- Amongst the chaos, George explodes in a Feat of Strength and pins his father to the floor. The house shakes. “It’s finished!” he screams.
- Frank sits alone in the attic, “It wasn’t supposed to end like this!” Estelle hears his sobs and hugs him. Black screen, no credit music.